Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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