I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
