I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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