Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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