I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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