I'm really into asian looking animals
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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