Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
