Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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