I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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