So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
