dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
