You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
