Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
