I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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