im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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