You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
