Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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