I'm so fucking centered right now
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i now understand why vodka
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
