Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
