Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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