Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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