Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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