My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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