Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
