so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
People in love make me want to vomit
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
