Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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