took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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