we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
