Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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