You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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