I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
