i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
