Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
