They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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