I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
