I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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