How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
