Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I did not marry a roomba.
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