True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
