Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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