i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
If I die, sorry about rent.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize