yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
