Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
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