I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
