no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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