when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
