I smell stomach acid.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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