theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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