I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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