So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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