I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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