my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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