I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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