Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
