I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
