So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
