Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
