He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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