i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
We need a shit load of segways right now
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize