Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
