im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
pop tarts are not kleenex
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize