I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
