when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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