dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
